I have had a blast writing about all the amazing things that have been happening to me in Thailand, and don't get me wrong here, I have loved it very much. However, the glitz and the glam are starting to wear off and I find that it is time to describe some things that I HATE with a passion: emotions (YUCK!).
First, before we get to the aspects of moving away that aren't alluring or captivating, let me first say that moving to Thailand was the best decision I have made in my life, tied with playing basketball. Both of these things have and will continue to shape me into who I truly want to be in my life. Just like there were things that made basketball hard, there are also things that make Thailand hard.
I was so pumped to leave that it didn't hit me that 5 months is a really long time to be gone until about 3 days before I was leaving, and even then I was more stressed about packing and cleaning my apartment than actually leaving. So clearly I wasn't that worried right? HA WRONG! I sat on the plane and balled my eyes out. The poor lady sitting next to me! I tried to be quiet, but as you all know, quiet is not my strong suit in anything that I do. It is not easy leaving behind a grandmother that just had her 90th birthday, praying to God that nothing happens to her while I am gone, or my parents (who are coming to visit which I am stoked about!). It is not easy missing my brother's college graduation, Kat's birthday, My dad's birthday, Jimmy's Birthday, Rachel's birthday, Christine's birthday, Corey's birthday and so on (you get the point). I miss 4th of July, which is the best holiday ever, I miss the country concerts and the lazy beach days with Rachel where we gossip about drama and books and our relationships. I have to watch a girl move into my room, and get to miss all the amazing memories Kat and Ema are making right now (have fun girls, live it up!!). Basically, I miss out on a lot, not that this isn't totally worth it because it is and I will be around for next year, but it still is brutal when nothing is working out and everyone is asleep because there is an 11 hour time difference and all I want to do is call my parents and ask for help, because despite being on my own and being a fully functioning adult, I still talk to them everyday and I love them so much.
I get to Thailand, all pumped that I will be changing the world. Wrong again, the kid's barely speak English and most will never use it or understand the concept so I have been told. Imagine a balloon with the air being let out where it is making that annoying deflated squeak, yeah that was me when they told me that. However, they did tell me that the kids are amazing and they will listen and play games and they will try very hard. So, shame on me really because I somehow forgot that changing the world is not a drastic task, but a task completed by simply loving individuals enough to inspire them to be better than they ever thought they could be. Somewhere along the way of college and adult life I became much more cynical and I don't like it one bit, so I decided to become free of my cynicism. Not an easy task mind you, but one that needed to be done. I hate it when people say that its okay to guard yourself, it's okay to become cynical because people take advantage if you are to nice. Who gives a flying flip, be nice anyways. When they meet their maker, or whatever they believe in, it will be on their conscience. If I teach all 6 months and not one of them can speak English fluently, but they are all profoundly happier and more confident than before, then I have changed the world, but seriously lets hope they learn English!!!!
Speaking of things I got wrong, and the list is long over my short life, trust me, but Thailand is also nothing like I expected. I imagined it as National Geographic portrays it, all tropical mountains or white sand beaches. I didn't stop to think about what is in the middle of all that, real people who work for a living outside of cabanas and mountain shacks. People think Thailand is this amazingly beautiful place, and it is (take a look at my fb and you will see living proof) but there is a lot of poverty here. A lot of men and women who can barely afford to eat, scraping by on the money of tourists who are so happy that a meal costs less than 1 US dollar, or that I can get a hotel for the night for roughly $3.50. Crazy I know, and I love it too, but at the same time it is hard to see women who are in their 70's and 80's sitting in 95 degree heat trying to support their family. There is no chance in this world that I would let Buzzy do that. Yet somehow the people here are nicer than anybody I have every met. Think going into a country town where everyone smiles and waves. It is like that but even nicer.
Not only is the country different, but living here is different. My apartment is hot and very minimal and at first it sucked, but then (after a good two nights of calling my parents and Corey either crying or being a huge brat) my dad told me " Sarah you have air conditioning and a personal bathroom, you have it better than most people there." Boom talk about a total gut punch. Yes, I was being ungrateful and yes, I was being a spoiled brat because I wasn't close to the beach like I thought and the town was very industrial with nothing to do, my internet sucked, I can't find shoes that fit or clothes that fit, and I have hit my head on more signs and stands than ever before because I am a giant in the land of 5'1 women, but holy cow I was being such a diva. DOUBLE YUCK. Most of you know me, and that is not who I am. It is not who I was raised to be, and I am not the kind of girl that gets all pissy and annoying, I pull up my big girl pants and get done what I need to get done. I was raised playing mud monster in the back yard, sweating on the court and probaly getting most of my friends in trouble because I wanted to go climb some tree or hike some mountain in Utah (mom called the cops for that one-sorry again!) So imagine my disgust when I was acting out some of the very traits I absolutely hate most. I realized I haven't been saying my nightly prayers, I haven't been exercising and I had only been talking negatively. That folks is not a recipe for success. So I figured things out. I got my internet to work by messing around with the IP address, so now that works. I bought two plants and hung some pictures, so now my apartment looks like home, and I just traveled to the most beautiful location in Thailand I think; Erawan waterfalls. I have amazing co-teachers, great bosses and a wonderful school. I can talk to my family whenever I want, and I found a website to watch Game of Thrones (That right there was enough to cheer me up). I also have access to travel to all these amazing places and countries. Now you tell me what the heck was wrong with me; nothing but pure selfish ungratefulness (while I sat in my garden and ate my worms) that's what. A big shame on me for that.
Luckily, I have created some fail safe methods to making sure I don't retreat back into being a brat.
These are:
Using the journal Rachel gave me to become a prayer journal. I've never been great at prayers so this will help make it routine and it will give me a chance to be honest with myself and with God. It will also give me a written reminder of all the good I have to be thankful for and all the bad that I am thankful for getting over.
I am going to set aside a certain amount each paycheck strictly devoted to traveling on my days off. This will ensure that I am still full of adventure and don't get complacent with watching the Vampire Diaries all day long.
There is a stairwell and pathway to cross over the road (think of a bridge) and I will get up in the morning and run the stairs and the pathway to stay in shape. One, because exercise is good for the soul. Two because I value my body and I want it to be the best it can be. Three, because my six back is now barely a 2 pack and I felt my thighs jiggle a bit more than normal while hiking to the waterfalls and I WILL NOT HAVE THAT, because that makes me sad.
I was told that there would be a low point while I am here, where it really hits me that I am not at home and that this will be hard. I have decided that the first week was going to be my low point, even though really it wasn't that low. I will go up from here because I am soooo soooo blessed to be here, and I truly am grateful for everything I have been given here, and I know that I have the greatest support system a girl can ask for; a loving God, a wonderful family, friends who will tell me how much they miss me and also tell me to get over myself, a supportive boyfriend and a stronger than steel willpower that will ensure I am on the right path. Hooray for finally getting over myself and making a choice to stop being the most annoying person on the planet. It is bad when you have to work, live or see an annoying person all the time, it is sooooooooooo much worse when the most annoying, irritating and bratty person is in your head. Not no mo'.
Toodles to you brat, and welcome back to the old me. It's been a while and I missed you.
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